Diglossos

It used to be that traveling was not only fun, but people enjoyed going to the airport almost as much as boarding the plane and flying.  When I was a child, I looked forward to going to the airport and see people off.  We’d plaster our noses against the window while we watched planes taxi, land or depart.  We could hang out with friends or family for the last few minutes, and it was fun.

Over time, security measures were installed mostly to deter criminals from smuggling materials or leaving the country.  Of course, we were aware of terrorism, but the US had never experienced any attacks on its own soil; so, we felt confident that our security measures were enough.  Then, 9/11 happened, and the whole world changed.  Naturally, security would have to be modified, and people accepted that as the price we had to pay in order to guarantee safety.

I think that we can agree that it’s disturbing to the point of distraction how disjointed the system is.  What is acceptable in Boston is not allowed even on the grounds of the airport in Ft. Lauderdale.  There are plenty of people who bemoan the ineffectual efforts of the security administration who seems to have no clue that PDAs exist and perhaps has never seen Die Hard with a Vengeance.  OK.  So that’s a problem.

Regardless, this should not keep you from enjoying your trip.  You just have to stay in your Happy Place.  That means that you need to prepare, and here are some tips to help you get through the rough patches.  First off, there are the rules:

1. Your trip actually starts when you decide to take a trip.  At that moment, you have committed to a course, and your planning will revolve around that.  Make that your Zone.  Call it a DMZ, the Happy Place, Eden, whatever.  Just note that your zone is an area of comfort and relaxation.  You’re trying to get in the mood here.  Planning can be fun, too, because you’ll start to fantasize about the trip or imagine what you’ll be doing.
2. Don’t allow stress to enter the Zone.  Remember that you are planning a vacation, which is supposed to be a happy, stress-free time.  You should be enjoying yourself.  Anything that gets in the way of enjoyment is going to taint the event.  Then, surviving becomes the goal.  Let’s face it, the mentality of “just get through it” doesn’t lend itself to tranquility.
   • Planning = simplifying.  Your trip should make you feel good, not like you’re storming a beach; so, figure out what you want to do and where you want to do it.
   • Resources = help. If you have to talk to a travel agent or some other travel rep, remember that his/her job is to make the customer happy; so, relax. Use the internet for research and/or to make arrangements.
   • Interactions = cordial, polite.  The person on the other line is as interested in making your call a success as you are.  If not, you have the option to hang up and try someone else.  Regardless, do not answer spite with spite.  For all you know, the person on the other side is a nice person who’s going through a rough time and you called at the wrong moment.
   • Early planning = fewer headaches.  Don’t wait until the last moment thinking you’ll get deals.  First off, you’ll waste time frantically searching for stuff.  Also, there is no guarantee that there will be deals.  Finally, you’ll probably lose the opportunity to book good flight dates and times, reserve choice accommodations, and get other options you’d like.  If you know what you want to do and when, just get going.
3. Accept that some things are out of your control.  It’s actually the flubs and misadventures that make trips memorable and worth relating.  Don’t kick yourself if things don’t go exactly as planned.
4. The TSA is not the Devil.  Let’s just get that out now.  Know that you have not been personally identified for Level 4 torture.  They have a job to do, and most try to do a good job.  Allow them their shortcomings.

OK.  You have the rules.  Now here are some tips to help cope with the necessary evils of life.

1. Bookmark the TSA’s site so that you can review restrictions and packing rules.  Do what they say.  At the gate, if they suspect that you are trying to pull a fast one or be the smarty-pants, you will rue the day.  No one will like you.
2. IDs:  Have them on you and out prior to getting to the security person. There is nothing more vexing than being behind the person who has to do a product inventory of bags just to find an ID and boarding pass.  You get no love from the security people either.  It’s not news that you’re supposed to have this stuff ready for review. Frantically looking for stuff at the last minute will only stress you out.  And no one will like you.
3. Apparel should be kept simple and easy to remove (as appropriate).
   • Shoes – slip-ons, sandals, anything without laces or other impediment to removal.  Those “hot” boots?  Where them after you get to your destination.
   • Tops – blouses, shirts can be worn loose or out, but if you’re wearing a tunic or other item that might be bulky or might warrant removal (at the TSA’s discretion) wear some sort of camisole or undershirt so that no one has to be embarrassed or inspired to have a lobotomy to remove the memory.
   • Bottoms – slacks, jeans, etc. follow the same guidelines for the most part, as do skirts.
   • Bottom line:  Don’t make a security person wonder (in a bad way) what’s under your outfit. You will create delays.  No one will like you.
4. Get to the airport early.  Check out what the guidelines are for your type of travel, but at a minimum you’re looking at being there at least an hour early.  Remember that there are oodles of others traveling alongside you, and they will be getting to the airport around the same time you do.  Busy airports will have long lines.  Plan accordingly. If you get stuck in a line with no end, and your flight is supposed to leave in 20 minutes, you are the only who loses.
5. Carry-ons should adhere to the travel and TSA standards.  Liquids must fit in a 3oz baggie, no pins, nail clippers, etc.  Sure, you have no idea how to wreak havoc with a bobbie pin, but some people are trained to do so.  Don’t fool the TSA into thinking you’re one of them.  No one will like you.
6. Sure, you can have food:
   • Before getting to the airport
   • Before you get in line
   • After you get past the security checkpoint
   • On the plane
   • At your destination
   • Anywhere except in your carry-on bag in the line at the security checkpoint
7. Prescriptions. Rule of thumb is to have the correctly marked bottles so that there is no doubt that you have heart medicine, statins, migraine medicine, etc.  Check the TSA site for complete details.
8. Bring stuff to pass the time.  Books, magazines, iPods/iPads, etc.  Whatever helps you get to that Happy Place is a good thing.

As you get ready for your trip, imagine every part of it so that you can avoid pitfalls and get psyched, but remember that not everyone will be as up to snuff as you.  Accept and travel on.

© 2011, Peregrine